her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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