Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Randomize
