I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
