How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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