hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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