I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
sarcasm needs its own font
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
