I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
