I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
