There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize