Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
