I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
