dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
