He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
