it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
