drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Ketchup is God's man juice
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
