I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
