theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
