Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
