My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
