Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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