at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I think my moral compass just broke
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
