I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
