im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
