just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I need a beard to bite.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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