It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
