You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
this hospital has no fireball
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
