Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
