I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
