I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
