I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
