I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
