I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
