if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
