I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
