Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
