Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
