Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
