how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
