so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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