i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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