Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
being pregnant is like rehab
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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