My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
