I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You took a bar mat shot.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
