my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
