just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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