Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
