you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize