i don't like sucking hair
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize