i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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