I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
