I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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