she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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