Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
