I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
