so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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