Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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