i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
