i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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