Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
