I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
