why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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