Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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