I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize