you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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