Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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